Is It Too Late to Talk About Barbie?

When we started to think about what felt most important to discuss as we move into Maternal Mental Health month and look ahead to the complicated holiday of Mother’s Day, we struggled to find something that captured all the competing messages. We wanted to acknowledge the incredible strength and value of mothers while also recognizing the precarious state of motherhood in America. We wanted to draw attention to the 1 in 5 women who experience mental health disorders in the perinatal period, the dismal maternal mortality rate, the lack of support for mental health care, and the precarious state of reproductive rights. But we also feel deeply the need to celebrate the way women persevere and support each other in the fight.

This struggle reminded us of the complicated feelings we had about Barbie and America Ferrera’s monologue on being a being a woman. Is it too late to comment, we wondered.

We wish. That would mean it was already a relic of a specific time instead of a refrain that still resonates. So even though it’s months late, here are some words we still have flitting about our brains months later from her monologue. She says:

  "It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong. You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.”

“You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.”

“But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So, find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.”

“You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.”

Amen.

To be a woman is to be awash in expectations that twist, contradict, and tie us in knots. If you’ve been feeling like you’re doing it wrong, it’s just because there is no consensus on what it means to do it right. Motherhood is similar—so many competing voices telling us that we aren’t doing it right or well enough.

If we had to write our own monologue specifically about being a mom, it might go something like this:

It is literally impossible to be a mom. Moms are superheroes, but somehow, you’re doing it wrong. You must be completely selfless and give everything to your children. You can never tire, never grow cranky, never lose your temper. You need to keep the house clean, care for your kids, earn a living, and find time to volunteer at school. But you should also look good while doing it, and be sure to set a good example for your kids. Show them how to have balance.

When you have a baby, make sure your body bounces back so no one can tell you grew a small human, but also celebrate the miracle. Hold your newborn all the time, but don’t spoil them. You should teach them to self-soothe, but don’t let them cry. Tell your kids they are perfect in your eyes, but for the love of God don’t say, “good job.” Try to tell your kids “yes” whenever you can but make sure they don’t act up in public.

You should enjoy parenting all the time. But you also should keep your house looking like a magazine photo shoot, cook all your meals from scratch with organic produce, and entertain your children without turning on a TV.

You should provide your kids with the best of everything and not rely on anyone. You shouldn’t let bringing a whole human into the world interfere with your work, but try not to leave the baby with anyone else. Also, don’t forget to be a boss. Don’t give up on your career. You should work like you don’t have kids, and parent like you never have to work.

If you have a male partner, thank him all the time. Praise his “babysitting” and thank him for helping. Don’t expect him to read your mind or do things without asking. When the world showers him with praise, acknowledge your good fortune, and never ask for the same.

You should do the biggest job in the world—raising tiny humans--while making it look effortless. Stay up late, get up early, overwhelm your senses, but also never be tired, never be cranky, never lose your temper. You should always be smiling.

Always be exactly what everyone needs, and never forget to be grateful. Recognize all the ways that the system is against you, but always be grateful because it could be worse. Find a way to always acknowledge that it’s hard (could be harder) but also never stop smiling.

It’s too hard. It’s too contradictory and there’s no relief when things get too hard. You worry that you are doing it wrong because it isn’t always fun or easy. Everything is always mom’s fault.

Later in the movie, Barbie says, “By giving voice to the cognitive dissonance required to be a woman under the patriarchy, you robbed it of its power.”

We still live in a world where women are in a constant fight for agency. Around the world, women are still seeking the right to vote, to access an equal education, and to live free of violence and oppression. Even in America, women are fighting for wage equality, healthcare access, reproductive freedom, and physical and emotional safety in a world that wasn’t designed for them. If only righting those wrongs was as easy as just giving voice to the injustice of those struggles.

But maybe putting this in writing helps release us from the guilt and shame we feel over impossible expectations so we can turn our attention to tearing down the systems and structures at the root of oppression.