What’s Really Going On In Therapy Anyway?
When you are as immersed in the world of therapy as we are, it can be easy to forget that for many people who come to sit on our couches (or do video telehealth with us from their own couch) this is their first experience. Or someone may be a therapy veteran, but they have always wondered what their therapist is really doing and thinking about. Things we don’t understand often make us feel nervous or vulnerable. To combat that, here’s a peek into what’s going on in therapy, what your therapist is thinking about, and what they are hoping therapy can do for you.
At the very beginning of therapy, we are trying to learn who you are and that means the focus will be on two things—your past and your present. We will spend time asking about your background and history to learn who you are, but we will also focus on the current stressors in your life. Our early goal is stabilization and problem solving so that you feel safe and have the bandwidth to get to the heart of whatever you want to address.
All the time you spend sharing how things currently are or what has brought you to where you are today is not just biographical information sharing—it’s a chance to hear your story in your own words. Telling your own story is powerful. It’s a form of exploration and self-discovery. What do you choose to include or highlight? What meaning do you assign to your own experiences? What things do you gloss over or minimize? All these choices help a client to understand themselves better within the context of therapy
Every time someone tells the story of who they are, things will be a little different through the lens of who they are at that moment. Sometimes, telling the story to someone new can be like hearing it for the first time and might even elicit powerful responses.
How you tell your story also guides our next steps in therapy. Therapists learn from the wisdom of where your mind needs to go for insight, healing, and relief.
Our role in achieving that goal is to be puzzle-solvers and pattern finders by trying to gather up the pieces of your life and seeing how you have been shaped by them. We are listening to what you are saying about what you need, what you long for, what you fantasize about, and what you are dreading.
However, we will help you to know and trust your own wisdom, thoughts, and ideas for determining the right next step and be with you to help re-evaluate it and adjust, as needed. Therapy can be like a mirror: we reflect you back to yourself, in a new way, and many times it’s as if you’re seeing and hearing yourself for the first time. When therapy is well attuned, you will feel deeply seen and understood and more clear about your thoughts and feelings.
Contrary to popular belief and many movie plotlines, your therapist won’t know exactly what path is right for you. There isn’t one singular goal for therapy because each client is different. Our aims will reflect your own stated hopes. But, it would be safe to say that with most clients we are striving for you to live as your authentic self in whatever form that takes. We strive to help clients find self-compassion, self-esteem, self-understanding, healthy relationships, and a peaceful mind. To get there, we go with you on a journey of self-discovery to see yourself in a different way. Amazingly, this change of self-perspective is what often leads to a reduction of the symptoms that are negatively affecting your quality of life.
We likely will talk about what happened in your past on the way to addressing your present concerns. We are working to make the connections between what you experienced and what defenses you developed to survive. In therapy, we can work to understand and appreciate the wisdom and purpose of the defenses, thank them for their service, and help you develop strategies or skills that help you better adapt to your current needs.
A good therapist honors and maintains unconditional positive regard toward you, and you will feel safety, warmth, and empathy. That doesn’t mean you will always love what we have to say. Sometimes, we tell clients, “If I only say things you want to hear, then run far and fast,” because part of our role is to keep you growing.
This is the reason you need an expert and not just a friend or bartender—we have knowledge, skills, and practical experience in helping guide people from point A to point B in psychological safety. When you are talking to other people in your life, they have certain modes—supporting, judging, protecting, etc. Friends often revert to giving advice based on what worked for them, but a therapist is different. Our role is to understand and come from a place of compassion and non-judgement. We are listening without an agenda or strong ideas about how you should act.
Also, In the words of Liam Neeson, “I have a particular set of skills. A set of skills acquired over a very long career.” Ours are much less dangerous but better suited to healing. A therapist “hears” more than the average person. We are taking in what someone chooses not to say, and we are astute observers of body language, affect, word choice, and tone of voice. As therapists (especially specialized perinatal therapists) we’ve done a deep dive into the facts, research, and data that are most useful to you.
We are exceptionally positioned to normalize feelings and experiences around parenthood that are seldom spoken of outside our offices. We are able to more efficiently identify the roadblocks that arise in pregnancy and postpartum as well as provide effective interventions to help you to feel better faster.
We’re always here if you feel like you could use a trusted guide for whatever you’re going through. Nothing makes us happier than helping someone find relief from life’s stresses and peace in their lives.
