Unlocking Our Identities Beyond Parenthood
There’s a funny thing about holding a baby at a party. The baby is all anyone sees. They are so sweet, and oh my goodness, look at their little socks. I can’t believe they are already so big. It’s easy for the parent to slide into the background allowing the conversation to become about how the child is growing and changing instead of our own interests, hopes, and activities.
Without trying to, many parents find themselves falling into that same trap throughout their lives—looking at the baby and not at ourselves.
Parenthood marks a period of intense identity transformation. Much like adolescence, matrescence (the process of becoming a mother), is a period of intense physical, emotional, and psychological shifts that reshape who you are and how you see yourself.
Becoming a parent is deeply transformative but it is also fraught for women who have lived their whole lives absorbing messages about how women have value only as mothers. It’s in the pressure to settle down because we aren’t getting any younger or the heavy questions to the newlyweds wondering, “When are you having children?” We hear see the message repeated in every paparazzi photo of a young ingenue captioned with speculation that the slightest curve might mean a pregnancy.
Additionally, humans tend to define themselves by our roles and how we invest our time. Before having children, we might identify with our careers, our families of origin, our religious groups, our hobbies, etc.
Babies are famously labor intensive. Becoming a parent marks an immediate departure from all our old routines. How we spend our time and what matters most to us shifts dramatically and that naturally leads to identity shifts as well.
Suddenly, our days revolve around the work of caring for a whole new human in overwhelming ways. Our google searches get weird with questions about sleep, poop, and rashes. When someone asks what’s new, we mention what’s new with the kid. Our calendars start to revolve around their activities, school schedules, and play dates to the point that their social schedule starts to feel like our own.
The work is so important and our love for our children is so huge. It’s only natural to be deeply invested. When we are in the weeds of parenting, we can easily get too wrapped up in our children and forget to nurture ourselves.
Our children become so many of our hopes but also our worries. There’s a reason for the old joke, “A mother doesn’t sleep; she worries with her eyes closed.” Worrying is rooted in our deepest instincts to protect our young, and it’s great for the survival of the species. But these instincts aren’t overly concerned with the wellness of the mother. Nature couldn’t give a flying fig about what happens to mom after the baby is grown.
In pouring so much of ourselves into the work of parenthood, we can veer into over-identifying our children. Instead of just celebrating their successes, we might start to congratulate ourselves. Everyone knows someone who can’t help themselves from doing the parent equivalent of name-dropping all their child’s many accolades (If you’re like us, you’re guilty of doing it a time or two yourself). And on the flip side, it’s easy to confuse our child’s struggles with our failures.
Our children are not our report cards. The truth is that parents have a lot of influence on their children, but ultimately, no control. Research repeatedly shows us that while parenting matters, much of our children’s development is outside our sphere. Good parents raise children who struggle, and any parent can find themselves lucking into a talented child.
If we’ve entangled our own sense of self-worth in another human, we’ve given up control of our own destinies. You are deserving of figuring out who you are outside of this narrow lens. It could frighten or free you, but it is worth the pursuit. You have more to offer the world than your children.
Our children are not our mirrors. We can’t look to them to tell us who we are or what we are worth. And that’s not a burden we should place on them.
“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen,” wrote Anne Lamott. Children are not meant to carry the weight of other people’s dreams or regrets. In fact, the opposite is true. Children like to know that we are a full self with a fulfilling life. It’s good for all of us when we don’t put the pressure on them to be our sole purpose.
In therapy, we spend a lot of time exploring our concept of self—how we see ourselves, what stories we tell about ourselves, and how we shape and are shaped by our places in the universe.
Of course, parenthood changes all those things and in doing so changes who we are. Parenthood should expand who we are and not define us. You will always be a parent. Being a parent is one of the biggest roles we will have in our lives, but it is not the only one. That piece of who you are will always be with you, but it will never be all of you.
We won’t always be holding the baby at the party.
How do we stay in touch with who we are outside of our children? Mostly, by paying attention.
We try to carve out time for the other parts of our souls. We keep hobbies that energize us and prioritize our needs. We pursue our interests whether that’s staying engaged in a career, giving back to our communities, supporting important causes, participating in the arts, or any other activities we enjoy.
On a daily basis, it can be as small as reading things we enjoy, challenging yourself to do or learn something new, or doing things for your own health. It can be as big as choosing to prioritize our existing relationships and cultivate new friendships. We show our children through our actions that they deserve whole lives in their future as well.
If you find yourself still on the journey of self-discovery and wondering who you are now that you’ve become a parent, we’re here. We’d be honored to meet the you that you’re becoming.
