Parenting Advice Isn’t Just for Your Kids Anymore
We have been known to proudly declare ourselves parenting agnostic—meaning we don’t subscribe to any single parenting choice or style. We support people in making the decisions that work best for them and their families without a preconceived notion of what those choices should look like.
No two parents or children are alike (as any parent of multiples will tell you), and that means parenting decisions are individual and complex.
In the 1950s, Dr. Spock was the authority doling out advice on the best ways to raise children, but now there’s no one singular source. You’ve got dozens of different labels and influencers offering tips and tricks. Of course, parents are looking for advice and guidance because parenting is an incredibly tough and often confusing job. An instruction manual would make all our lives easier.
As a rule, we shy away from anyone selling a magic roadmap to one of life’s most complex and nuanced experiences—raising humans. Sorry, we aren’t going to tell you if you should be a tiger mom or take up gentle parenting. The idea that there’s a single correct way to parent implies that any bumps in the road can be blamed on the parents and not on systemic failures or the inherent complexities of childrearing (and frankly, F* that). Instead, we tend to believe that parents should take from any philosophy what works for their family and leave what doesn’t.
There are some consistencies in many of the new waves of parenting advice. Many tend to focus on emotional wellbeing and rely on parents to do some heavy lifting in the co-regulation department. We’re all for kids growing up emotionally intelligent, but our work is with parents, so we started to wonder what would happen if we decided to love ourselves the way we try to parent our children. Below are some principles borrowed from several different modern parenting styles and how we can apply them to our own lives.
Empathy and understanding: A core tenant of most modern parenting is offering our children empathy rather than judgment when they are melting down or misbehaving. What if we could offer that to ourselves as parents when we are struggling to manage our own emotions or fail to meet our own expectations? This means acknowledging the incredible stress we are under and recognizing what environmental or situational factors have contributed. Instead of haranguing ourselves over our perceived shortcomings as parents, we would have to look at the ways that our situation needs to change to help us to be the best we can be.
Boundaries: If you’ve followed any parenting TikToks, then you know that empathy doesn’t mean permissive parenting. There’s a large movement away from “punishing” and towards boundary setting with natural consequences. Boundaries should be a key part of any adult’s life—especially parents. For example, the opportunities to sign up for more as a parent are nearly endless—classroom volunteer, kid’s activities, birthday parties, etc. We can help ourselves by having good boundaries and knowing when to say no to doing more--knowing that we will run into negative consequences (burn out, exhaustion, etc.) if we ignore our boundaries. This also means not punishing ourselves artificially if we make the mistake of pushing our own boundaries—the natural consequence is plenty.
Separate the action from the person: Parents are encouraged to give their children feedback that focuses on their behavior not their character. A child isn’t “bad” they are doing something inappropriate. So often we hear from parents who are worried they are “a bad mom” or a “a bad partner” because they aren’t happy with how something is going with their child or in their relationship. Instead, we should offer ourselves the recognition that mistakes happen and don’t define us or our character. Something that isn’t going the way we want it to is an opportunity for growing and changing and not a permanent flaw.
Encourage the positive: If children needed to be affirmed and encouraged more than corrected, it doesn’t seem like a leap to think that parents should offer themselves the same. When was the last time you sat down and thought about what aspects of your parenting you are most happy with? When are you your most joyful? When is your relationship with your child strongest? Choose to cultivate more of these types of interactions and celebrate all the ways you are the best parent for your child.
Invitations to play: If you aren’t familiar with this idea, the basic concept is to leave out materials in an enticing way for children to play with in their own fashion. The idea is that playfulness will spark creativity, interest, and the child’s imagination. The world would be a happier place if we all invited ourselves to play more. This week, make space for you to be silly or creative in whatever way you most enjoy. Take the time to set it up and clear your schedule for just a few minutes where you can connect with your playful side.
Say "yes": Many parenting philosophies have concepts around finding ways to allow your child to make choices they enjoy without censure. For some this means creating a “yes-space” where they are safe to experiment. For others this means “choosing your battles” and releasing control of some decisions even when they might inconvenience us as parents. Flipping the script, we can try to find ways to indulge our own choices and desires. Do you have a goal you want to pursue, a commitment that keeps you busy, or a project you want to undertake? Say yes to yourself and drop guilt you might have about minorly discomforting or inconveniencing your child.
All feelings are welcome but not all behaviors: A huge theme in modern parenting is acknowledging children as humans with full emotional lives that include “big feelings.” Unsurprisingly, parents too feel uncomfortable emotions like anger, sadness, frustration, and overwhelm. Yet, parents often think that as adults we should have the inhuman ability to pause all of that to remain perpetually calm and happy for our children. The reality is that we’re all going to step on the odd Lego and feel some rage. We are all capable of having a tough day and not feeling like our most joyful selves when confronted with a toddler meltdown. The best we can do is learn how to recognize and acknowledge those feelings and then find an appropriate space to process them. And if by chance those feelings lead to a behavior that we don’t feel good about, we can do like we teach our kids and try to repair the damage and apologize to those we impacted.
The serendipitous aspect of “parenting ourselves” is that it helps us to accomplish one of the main pieces of wisdom we hear from the experts—lead by example. Our children benefit from seeing us care for ourselves emotionally and practice self-compassion. Through our own actions, we teach our children in the most powerful way possible what it means to be humans with feelings.
