10 Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship After Baby
Dear Friends,
Given our specialization in therapy for the reproductive journey, we get up close and personal with the myriad of ways that relationships shift when growing your family. This month we are focusing on how parenting introduces many new stressors and dynamics to couples. Many clients consistently express worries and questions about how to successfully navigate relationship concerns during the perinatal period.
It’s important to know that it is normal and expected for things to shift as couples transition into parenthood, even amongst the arrival of, say, the fourth baby. In fact, relationship conflict tends to increase significantly in the first year after each baby arrives. These changes can be uncomfortable, but discomfort does not mean that the relationship is in jeopardy. Growing pains occur during this natural adjustment. Creating a new blueprint for resolving conflict can improve partnership connection and reduce relational stress.
Although dramatic change can occur between you, you two now have a new shared interest (baby) which can be a powerful way to bond. Despite the stressors, you will have new things to find joy in and laugh about. Remember that you’re on the same team - you are both striving to feel ease, happiness and love.
To guide us through some cues about how to create a better blueprint amongst parenting, we asked one of our couples therapists, Lindsay Edwards, LPC, BC-DMT, PMH-C, about challenges and suggestions for couples during the perinatal process. Here are some of her thoughts on how to support your relationship.
Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs): Educate each other about what symptoms to look out for and agree to talk to each other if it’s time to reach out for more support. Remember, PMADs can pop up during pregnancy or anytime postpartum, with a higher prevalence during the first year after the baby is born. Learn more here about perinatal mood disorders, perinatal anxiety, postpartum OCD, and postpartum psychosis.
Division of Labor: Unclear expectations and poor accountability breed resentment. Explicitly discuss desires for shared responsibility with home chores, parenting load, neighborly relations, finances, pets etc. Often there is one parent who is doing more heavy lifting (carrying the mental load). Maybe they are thinking of all the things that have to be prepared for a birthday party or preparing every detail for summer camp. Neither partner likes the idea of "primary parent". The one with the heavy lifting doesn't like having so much responsibility and very little acknowledgment. The other doesn't think of themselves as "secondary" and may feel under appreciated for all the ways they contribute to parenting. Explicitly name all the invisible labor tasks in parenting and agree what to divvy up. Regularly edit your best laid plans when accountability is low or when responsibilities need to be redistributed because of additional stressors. Remember, none of us can read minds. Partners don’t want to interpret pouting and then guess how they’re in the doghouse. As frustrating as it may be, you need to share all that has to be done, even if it feels like that takes more time than just doing it yourself. You are trying to set up a system that is sustainable so that this pattern does not persist. Once a system is established, be accountable or admit when you’re struggling to follow-through. Then problem-solve how to improve it.
Emotional communication: Communication fails when we are emotionally dysregulated. If you’re too defensive to hear your partner open up about their hurt, you may just dismiss them, which increases the tension in your relationship. It’s helpful to cool down so that you can think logically, reason, and be open to changing your perspective. Communicating impulsively in a hurtful way usually creates more harm than good. Criticism is never productive and will undoubtedly create a papercut each time. Learn what happens to your body and thoughts when you’re bothered by your partner. Be responsible for soothing your own emotional distress. You may take some breaths, walk into another room momentarily, or drink a glass of water. Some couples may want to co-regulate through a hug or quietly listening to each other and then validating and reassuring that their bond can endure difficulty during this transition.
Financial strain: Everyone knows that having a baby can be an expensive undertaking—especially for families who might have fertility expenses even before the baby arrives. Try to create systems to manage finances and keep it visible to both parents. Meet regularly to review your financial health. Empathize over the stressful burden of keeping money coming in and limiting spending on non-essentials.
Sleep: Quality sleep is essential to overall health, but it is also at a premium in the first year after a baby is born. Low quality sleep exacerbates stress and PMADS. When we’re exhausted, we say things we don't mean and can be mean when we say it. Openly discuss each parent’s sleep needs. How can you each support your infant’s sleep to ensure both parents get adequate sleep? Maybe parents need to be in separate bedrooms for a bit to get uninterrupted sleep. Prioritize sleep for the parent who is suffering the most.
Independent time: We ALL need breaks from parenting. Just make sure that your independent time is as equal as possible. Clients complain frequently about partners sneaking away for some time to themselves. Often, “I have to run to the bathroom” or “I’m going to take a quick shower” or “I’m running to Lowes” is code for I’m leaving you with the kids for as long as I can get away with it. Don’t take your phones to the bathroom if your partner is constantly upset at the amount of time you spend there. Check in before randomly disappearing to make sure the timing works for each other. Go out socially together or separately, but equally.
Intimacy: During pregnancy and postpartum, we can be touched out or so exhausted that sex seems like a distant memory. Sexual desire may decline dramatically after birth. If sex is out of reach, flirt or offer affection. You could squeeze your partner’s hand as you walk by; wink from across the room; tell them how much you appreciate the trash always being taken out; offer a brief neck rub; or ask for privacy to masturbate. You will probably have to schedule sex; acting on impulse may be darn near impossible. As difficult as it feels to fit in time for sex, couples hardly say that it wasn’t worth it in service of their relationship.
Parenting Styles: There is not one way to parent. It is unlikely that couples will parent their kids the same way. Celebrate the diverse approaches. Trust each other. Give each other space to form their style and their own responses to the child, instead of trying to control or criticize the interaction. Offer the benefit of the doubt. When we mess up as parents, there’s something to learn from and repair if necessary. There is room for all sorts of approaches as long as no consistent harm or unhealthy patterning is being created.
Identity shifts: Often after baby arrives, parents make career adjustments and that can shift how we identify in the relationship. Talk about this as a couple openly—without defending decisions—and develop social circles to talk about this with people who can now relate. Also, revisit impermanent decisions. You may find that your relationship roles have become more conventionally cisgender and hetero-normative than they were before parenting. Talk about how to resist conforming to this pressure. This can be especially challenging for gender non-conforming, transgender, lesbian and gay parents who fear facing discrimination as parents.
Grief: Anytime a new baby joins the family, life changes. It’s okay to grieve the loss of our pre-baby life or identity. Try to talk openly about the things you are missing from your pre-baby life with each other. Just acknowledging the loss can go a long way. Do things together that you enjoyed before the baby, even if you feel parenting guilt!
Lindsay notes that couples therapy during the perinatal process can be preventative and strengthen possibilities for success in your relationship. Partnership amongst parenting is one of those aspects of life that is expected to come naturally, but many of us have not had great models and can feel ill equipped. When we need to strengthen muscles, we may lift weights. When we break a leg, we go to physical therapy. Whether you want your relationship to be as strong as possible, or you are feeling emotionally broken due to this major adjustment, therapy can be helpful. Lindsay has helped couples become aware of their dynamics, understand the reasons for their current distress, safely process their struggles with each other, improve communication, increase parenting trust and rekindle connection. Let us know if you need to sort through any of these concerns; we’re here to help!
Warmly,
Lindsay Edwards, LPC, BC-DMT, PMH-C
Senior Clinical Psychotherapist
Kellie Wicklund, LPC, PMH-C
Principal + Clinical Director
Christina Moran
Executive Director
