Why is Making Parent Friends so Hard?
Dear Friends,
Modern parenthood can sometimes feel like a lonesome affair. You’d think that a role that makes it difficult to find enough alone time to go to the bathroom in peace would have little opportunity for feeling lonely. However, many find this phase of life to be particularly difficult in that regard.
While it might take a proverbial village to raise a child, most are no longer dwelling in one. We need to actively cultivate the social connections that can provide adult conversation and support. But, if all of us are looking for the same thing, why is making parent friends so hard?
Much like dating, the abundance of people searching doesn’t seem to make it any easier. First, we should acknowledge that much of the hunt for parent friends is happening on your child’s terms—at their classmate’s parties, school events, playdates, and sports practices. While these settings provide opportunities to connect with other parents, we don’t always get to choose the candidates. We are essentially on blind dates with prospective parent friends.
Similarly, the setting is often not ideal. These settings can be overstimulating, loud, and chaotic. We’re on a blind date at a club instead of a coffee shop.
Plus, we are having to manage our own socialization while also having to actively parent our child and help to keep them regulated in the same stressful setting. Parenting in public can feel vulnerable. We want our whole family to come across as charming as possible, but with lots of stimuli, no one is at their best. There’s nothing like trying to forge a lasting friendship while managing a meltdown or serving your 100th snack to ensure no one gets hangry.
It is unsurprising that many find parent socializing stressful or anxiety producing, but the end results make it worthwhile. If you’re having a hard time getting yourself out into the parent-friend dating scene, we have a few ideas to make things easier.
Remember that anticipatory anxiety is often the hardest part. Anxiety loves to focus on imaginary future problems, so if we can push past those feelings many people find that the event itself is surprisingly uneventful. Sometimes knowing you will be glad you went can help get you there.
Challenge yourself to step outside your comfort zone. If you are the type of person motivated by checking things off, set yourself a goal of trying to step outside your box once a month (or every other month!). Mandatory fun can still be fun.
Choose the most meaningful interactions. You don’t have to attend every outing or event, and if you find them draining, it might be best not to. Choose the opportunities that will be most meaningful to you or your child. Think about which settings are the most manageable for your nervous system or are likely to lead to strong connections.
Budget your time. If you know that socializing is going to be draining, build it into your life in an intentional way. Schedule time after to decompress (your child might also need to do this!). And if you have something you must attend at a time when you know you are depleted, set your expectations of yourself with compassion. That might be an event where you choose to be a wallflower.
Plan an exit. If you or your child starts to feel overwhelmed, give yourself permission to leave. Set a hard end time for socializing that will be stressful.
Accept that you aren’t that important. Everyone wants to be well liked, but it is important to remember that no one is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about yourself. Everyone is more focused on themselves. Believe that everyone else also really wants connection. It is not just you.
Be imperfect. Vulnerability is the door to connection, and our imperfections help to bond us. Don’t be afraid to share your own weaknesses and give others permission to do the same.
Forgive your mistakes. We’re all prone to occasionally putting our foot in our mouth so don’t beat yourself up over it. Chances are no one else remembers the tiny slights. If you find yourself ruminating after the fact, remind yourself that it was what it was, and you can let it go. Give yourself the grace you would give any other parent.
Keep searching for your people. Just because your kids get along, doesn’t mean you will click. Look for the people who share your values or get your jokes. It’s worth the effort to keep putting yourself out there to find the people who make you feel seen.
Get out there and find your parent-friend soul mates! Finding your people isn’t always easy, but it is always worth it. Connection is what sustains and invigorates our mental health. Sometimes, it is easy to imagine ourselves as the only people who are looking for new friendships. The reality is that if you put yourself out there, you likely just made the day of another parent who is doing the same. We can’t wait to hear about it.
Warmly,
Kellie Wicklund, LPC, PMH-C
Principal + Clinical Director
Christina Moran
Executive Director
