Navigating the Holi-daze
Around this time every year, we start to spend most of our time talking to clients about how difficult the holidays can be. The stretch of time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s can feel like a marathon test of our endurance for many reasons. According to the American Psychological Association, 38% of people experience increased stress during the holidays, and according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 64% of individuals experience a worsening of their mental health conditions during this same period. In short, if you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, or sad this season you are in very good company. In the past, we’ve written about how stressful it can be to manage the obligations, events, to-dos, and finances of the season. We stand by our belief that good boundaries will increase the magic of the season (you can read a previous newsletter on that topic here.)
But the busyness and burdens of this time of year are just one piece of the puzzle as to why you might find yourself in a bit of a holi-daze. This season is a perfect storm of impossibly high expectations and triggers. The nature of tradition means that we are surrounded by reminders of previous years. Many might bring up pleasant nostalgia, but others can thrust us back into painful ghosts of holidays past.
They say holidays make you feel like a kid again, but what if parts of your childhood aren’t something you’d like to relive? Our brains rely on our past experiences to determine how to respond to our present circumstances. Is it any surprise that after we spend weeks eating familiar food, watching the same movies, and hearing those same songs in every store that we find ourselves feeling a bit like our childhood selves? For those of us making pilgrimages back to our childhood homes the effects are even further magnified.
We’d like to believe that everyone will be struck by the spirit of the season and be on their best behavior, but the reality is that the holidays don’t change who people are. Families tend to recreate the same dynamics they always have, and the stress of holiday bustle can bring out the worst in people.
There’s a lot of emotional labor that goes into planning for the holidays under the best of circumstances, but for those with complicated family dynamics, histories of trauma or abuse, grief, or substance abuse histories, this time of year is extra heavy. The season of celebrations and gatherings is a magnifying glass over everything—the highs are higher, and the lows are lower.
Having children can add a new level of stress to these already fraught dynamics as we try to navigate how our children will interact (or not) with these elements of our own pasts. As adults, we are seeing things in a new light, and we might find we have different tolerance around our children than we have for ourselves.
The truth is that not all of us will have a picture-perfect holiday that matches the cultural expectations, but we can all try to have the best holiday possible. Here’s some tips to navigate the emotional burdens of the season to maximize your joy.
Realistic Expectations: It may sound counter-intuitive to set your expectations low, but often a lot of pain is tied up in disappointment or feeling let down that people haven’t changed. Holidays don’t change flawed humans. If we expect people to be themselves in all their broken glory, we can preemptively plan for what we need to do to protect ourselves.
Plan to retreat: Once we’ve got realistic expectations, you can plan for a hasty retreat from situations that drain you. If your mother always makes the same judgmental comment or your father always brings up the same tired political argument, plan for how you want to handle it, so you don’t have to spend that night sitting up in bed coming up with the perfect retort retroactively. Similarly, go into stressful events with a canned exit excuse you can deploy when you are feeling depleted.
Good Boundaries: Boundaries are so important that we suggest them every year. Remember, that having boundaries isn’t telling other people how to behave (we can’t control other people’s behavior). Boundaries limit how we are going to engage/not engage. This year, you can feel good about choosing what events to attend, when to leave, who to invite, and when to end conversations. You need to protect your emotional energy by saying no.
Screw tradition: Just because it’s always been done doesn’t mean it should be. If it’s not enjoyable or important to you, then cut it. We aren’t responsible for other people’s expectations so you can feel free to opt out of events or practices that don’t serve you. We can be polite but firm in saying no, and we can allow them to have their own feelings about that.
Acknowledge grinchy feelings: Honor the reality of your feelings. If you need to cry or rage, then make space for it. That space might not be in the middle of a family dinner, so find the right space for it or clear the calendar. If you are grieving, you can find ways to honor your loss or just choose to skip things that feel too heavy this year.
Share the messy reality: The “what are you doing for the holidays?” is the equivalent of “How are you?”. We can respond with a platitude, but sharing the messy realities with those we choose is a gift. It lets them into our lives and that vulnerability gives them permission to drop their masks as well. There’s a lot more people with complicated feelings than you expect, and it might feel good to know you are not alone.
Normalize reactions to triggers: If other people’s behavior reminds us of painful experiences in our childhood, it can be easy to revert right back to how we felt at that time. Give yourself grace and acknowledge that your reaction is normal.
Respect other’s limitations: Just as we are free to choose to set boundaries around what we will and won’t participate in, our friends and family will make their own choices. Sometimes, these choices can frustrate or disappoint us (particularly if we’ve been bending over backwards and ignoring our own boundaries), but we can’t change other people’s actions.
We know that none of this is as easy as it sounds. Instead of shooting for perfection, maybe just try a few changes and be willing to fail at a few other. It’s about progress not perfection. You have our permission to consider this year a practice year. We’re here to help you outline a few strategies to make your life easier, and we hope you report back to let us know how it goes.
