Do parents get a summer?
Dear friends,
It’s summer. Are we having fun yet? While we aren’t immune to spending much of the winter daydreaming about the warmth of the sun on our skin and the end of the school year, we’ve been struck by the ambivalence that summer can bring adults and especially parents. While we are in no way knocking warm weather, we’re here to share a few reasons you might be finding yourself asking, “Do I even get a summer?”
When’s my break? We wish that summer meant days of idle sunbathing and a break from responsibilities the way it does for many children. Unfortunately, the dishes, laundry, cooking, and other chores keep needing to be done. Those of us who aren’t educators, experience almost no functional difference in our workloads over the summer. In fact, you might even find yourself wondering if having all your children home has increased your workload as you prepare your 100th snack of the day and clear a dozen half-finished water glasses off every flat surface in your home.
Schools out, but also, school’s out: It can feel so freeing to ditch the homework and structure of the school year, but don’t get too comfortable because you need to quickly arrange a whole summer’s worth of childcare and activities. In households that need childcare, summer can be financially daunting and a logistical nightmare. Which camp drop off do you have this week? Did you purchase after-care? Were you able to cover the gap between camp and the start of school? Even for families where childcare isn’t a concern, there’s the new challenge of acting as cruise director for children who can’t stop mentioning their complete boredom while you clean the bathroom.
It's a trip not a vacation: A vacation implies a break from your daily responsibilities. If your kids are with you, it’s a trip not a vacation (here’s a fun guide to if you’ve planned a trip or vacation this summer). Many of the summer vacations we remember so fondly as children have an intrepid parent who spent most of the vacation cooking, cleaning, packing, or schlepping. It’s a real disappointment to find that parent is now us.
The magic of summer: As a parent there can be a lot of pressure around the seasonal aspects of our children’s childhoods. Holidays, milestones, and summers can be built up as limited-edition experiences that need to be “magical.” No one mentions that planning, organizing, and executing magic can be exhausting and detract from our own dreams of a lazy summer day. Remember, summer is long and varied. It isn’t possible or desirable to raise our children to never experience boredom. Our memories of childhood summers are colored by the rose-colored glasses of time. When we catch a glimpse of our kids playing video games (again), we might feel like they (or we) are missing out on those rosy memory-making opportunities. But chances are that years from now this will all be part of their own memories of the magic of spending their summer finally conquering that one level. Remember, that all the best shenanigans happen when kids are bored and “doing nothing.” Consider this your official permission to let your children spend some of the summer bored.
The Summer Nights: Summer is a recipe for dysregulation for all involved. From infants to teens, chances are that tiny offspring are staying up later these days. The lack of a school wake-up time and the late-night sunshine can upset even the steadiest of bedtime routines. Nearly everyone will find their usual rhythm altered over the summer. The littles might be meeting new people and trying new things at summer camp. Your teen might be navigating their first summer job and newfound social freedom with a mix of anxiety and exhilaration. And all the adults at home are reeling from the added noise, mess, and ever-present summer heat. The deviations from routine are part of what make summer so special, but we need to balance that with time to reset and recharge.
Do we love or hate summer? For us, the answer is officially both. As much as we look forward to the warmth and summer traditions, we also recognize the ways that we as parents give up part of our own summers because we are busily directing and creating everyone else’s.
For adults who still need to manage their usual workloads, the fantasy of the summer off just isn’t attainable. Additionally, our last few summers have brought global and national challenges and existential questions. You aren’t alone if you’ve sometimes found yourself feeling bogged down with grown-up worries.
But, in the midst of our parenthood, we’re still finding time for some summer magic. Instead of a summer off, we’re planning smaller windows of time where we can take a step back from responsibility to savor a little of that summer freedom where we can. Some days it’s sneaking out at night to watch the fireflies or taking a dip in the pool at adult swim. Other days, we’re taking a night off from life’s daily grind and leaving the chores for tomorrow, or booking a massage to focus on our own relaxation. Often, it’s just pausing a moment to be fully present with our kids in something they love. If we’re lucky, maybe we even plan a real vacation without the kids (dream big!).
When we let go of the pressure to fill a whole summer, we can find the joy in smaller moments that can be quite magical after all. Just know that if you want to complain a bit about the drudgery of summer, we’re here to listen!
Warmly,
Kellie Wicklund, LPC, PMH-C
Owner + Clinical Director
Christina Moran
Executive Director
www.maternalwellness.org
