Letters To Our Former Selves
Dear friends,
Parenting is an act of courage and vulnerability. It is to choose to give your heart fully to a tiny human not knowing what the world has in store for them (but knowing full well that the human experience is full of both sadness and joy). As we have heard from many of you over the last few weeks, back to school season is a time when parents are feeling that tension between hope and fear.
This year, it feels like these are amplified by the Delta variant. More than ever, you are wishing for your kids to get to have all the opportunities while still having lingering fears. Whether you are sending off our baby to childcare, your child to their first day of kindergarten, your teen off to high school, or your young adult off to college, you are crossing all your fingers and toes.
And this is nothing new for parents—from before they are born, parents are trying their best to prepare their children for success, and it can be overwhelming. We live in a time where every person under the sun has an opinion about how to conceive, birth, and raise children—and these opinions are not just easily accessible but often unavoidable thanks to algorithms that serve them up even when you aren’t looking. So much of the information has to do with the small details, but the big things are often not understood until we are past them, until we’ve lived through them.
We thought, how nice it would be to be able to send a letter back to ourselves before children with the insights we’ve gained. So, we did. Below you will find excerpts of that wisdom from different staff members. Please don’t read this as advice—we’re huge believers in that what works for one may not work for all. Instead, feel free to pick something that resonates with you, and leave behind what doesn’t. We have no musts, nevers, or quick solutions. Just some gentle nudges about the things that we wish we had known.
Before baby arrives
Think carefully about where you want to live and spend some time looking at the childcare and school options.
Know your options for parental leave.
If you are partnered, cherish and nurture that relationship before adding you kids to the mix. This means talking to each other about how you/they were parented and how you want to parent. Make time to do the things you enjoy both before and after baby.
Spend time preparing financially and consider learning to live on a single income in case a partner decides to stay at home.
Discover your passions and work on them before you have kids (and after). Find what energizes you, what your gifts are, try different things. You can slowly and patiently find ways to integrate your love of these passions with your children and also by prioritizing time without them. When your kids see you making time to do what they love, they have permission to value that for themselves as well.
Enjoy some steamy, hot, showers. Make them extra-long.
Identify and establish your support system. Surround yourself with people who make life better. After you have kids, your free time will be at a premium and you will need all the support. Life is too busy to fill up your time with anyone not positively contributing.
After baby
It's ok to "take a pause." You can be focus so much on what was not the same - your identity, your life, your body, your work, your house, your hobbies, your relationships. Instead of spending a lot of time trying to rush back into that sense of "normal,” allow a break, a pause, an adjustment.
Go to therapy! (meds are also incredibly helpful!)
Ask your questions. Read the books. Do the research. But when life happens and things don't go as you had planned or expected and you feel unprepared, do not consider yourself a failure. Take a breath, give yourself some grace and ask for help. Needing help doesn't mean you are weak. It means that you are human. And there is always someone who wants to help you.
Your relationships with people don't magically change after you have a baby. People won’t suddenly behave in an unexpected way. They may be more helpful—even just for a little while—but the dynamic won’t be changed. So, surround yourself with positive, helpful supports - whether they are friends, family, or hired assistance. Identify who is most likely to be TRULY helpful to you and surround yourself with them in whatever way you can.
No expert knows your child like you do. You can read and research as much as you want, but connecting with your kids will always be more valuable. Listen to the experts and then listen to your child to know what your next step needs to be.
Things never go as planned, especially after having children. You can plan and plan but some unexpected circumstances will always arise! It’s okay to take ask for help and take a moment for yourself. It’s okay to not always have the right answer. Motherhood is truly a journey, we all make mistakes and learn (what works for each of us) along the way.
There's a lot of loss coming your way. It may mark you, but it will not end you. You will feel joy again.
All of parenthood is about moments--tough moments and wondrous ones. If you're in a difficult phase of parenting, remember it will pass. Colic, potty training, sleepless nights, academic challenges, or whatever difficult things come your way--they will feel like eternity in the moment, but they will pass. Whatever amazing things happen (long-eyelashed baby snuggles, lispy toddler songs, firsts and lasts), they too will pass. Remember, to soak up all the good stuff, and hang in there through the bad because nothing lasts forever.
Create a “mom squad.” When you find parents or families that you really admire, make friends with them/ seek their advice like gurus This is especially difficult to do during pandemic times, but finding even 1 or 2 moms with similar aged babies/kiddos can be super helpful for things like, “Is this normal” to hanging out or facilitating tot-swaps. [editors note: Consider our support groups as a place to look for new member of your squad.]
Find what you and your child both enjoy together. You do not have to just do what they want to do, and it often doesn't work well to force them into what you want to do (though both will happen). Seek what you enjoy doing together, even if it's a creative combination of your interests so you can enjoy your time while feeling good about spending time together.
After so many worried thoughts, sleepless nights, self-doubt, intrusive fears etc. about how we were doing as parents and what perils might befall our children in this world, you should know that they turned out to be good, hilarious, loving people. Good-enough /imperfect parenting by humans does indeed (at least so far) prove to be enough! (I wish I could get all of that lost sleep back!)
Please join us in our perfectly-imperfect village, where we are striving for good-enough with a smattering of fun, community, health and growth! We'd love to have you along for the journey with us.
Warmly,
Kellie Wicklund, LPC, PMH-C
Owner + Clinical Director
Christina Moran
Executive Director
