Stuck in the Waiting Place? Here’s How to Cope.
Even in our world of near instant gratification, there’s no escaping waiting. Life is full of waits big and small. While we can’t discount the frustration of say the DMV, this month we’ve been reflecting on how to survive the particular hell that is waiting when something huge is on the line. These are the waits that come at a crossroads, and we can’t take our next step until we know what direction to go.
These frustrated waits happen all the time in adulthood in big and little ways. You wait for a partner to propose, a diagnosis to come in, the two-week-wait to end, a realtor to call about the house, the job to make an offer, test results to come in, or to finally be a parent. The trap of these in-betweens is that while we wait for more information we are stuck between two futures.
Usually, at these life-changing junctures, we’ve been scrambling to get ourselves in the best possible position and run into a roadblock that brings us to a halt. Our deep desire to move-forward is held hostage by time, and the lack of control over something so important to us is deeply painful.
Dr. Seuss has described this scenario in Oh The Places You'll Go. In case you haven't had the opportunity to commit the book to memory after the 100th read aloud:
“You can get so confused
That you’ll start in to race
Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
And grind on for miles across weirdish wild space
Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The waiting place…”
The waiting place forces us to pause just when we most want to move forward. We’re held suspended between two uncertain futures. We’ve written previously about how liminal spaces—places of transition—occupy a uniquely complex mental space, and these waits are a type of liminal space. They are times where we are simultaneously both and neither.
Humans--for obvious survival reasons—prefer to know what to expect and how to react so we can plan for our safety. Our brains are designed to always be anticipating what will happen next so we can be prepared to survive whatever that next circumstance is. From a survival perspective, humans hate to sit in uncertainty. When met with an uncertain future, the brain gets busy analyzing and employing our emergency fight/flight/freeze response.
In primitive times, that would have been helpful because maybe a bear really is coming to eat you. You’d know pretty quickly and be able to act. Instead, in the waiting place, we stand still, and our brains keep cycling. We’re left to stew in anxiety, hyperarousal, and hypervigilance. Since we can’t avoid being stuck in the waiting place at certain junctures of our lives, all we can do is choose our response. The good news is that the perception of time is relative. If you’ve ever dragged a child out of somewhere fun after they “just got there” 4 hours ago or spent half a lifetime waiting to be able to skip the ad on YouTube, you’ve experienced this firsthand.
So, while we can’t skip the waiting place entirely, we can do things to warp the passage of time and make our stay there feel as brief as possible. Studies show that time waiting passes slower when we are unoccupied, uncertain, alone, or nervous. Conversely, we can pursue ways to be occupied, find certainty, be social, and relax to minimize our discomfort. Here are some techniques make the waits more manageable:
Distraction: If you are choosing healthy coping options, keeping yourself busy makes the time go faster. This is a wonderful time to binge that comedy everyone’s been talking about, to read that new book, to try a new hobby, or start powerwalking. Fill your social calendar with activities. If you aren’t feeling up for making small talk, fill your schedule with the things you’ve put off like finally volunteering at your kid’s school, tackling a home improvement project, or any other task that you’re normally too busy to prioritize.
Create deadlines: The lack of clear ends to our waits can make them more excruciating. If possible, find ways to break down the waits into manageable chunks. If you have a window for when you might hear, use the outside limit as a final time. If you have a true lack of timeline, create other dates and plans to help break the wait into smaller chunks—the next appointment, the next cycle, etc.
Choose a buddy: Not every person is a good support person, but humans do better waiting together. Can you find an affinity group of other people facing a similar diagnosis, challenge, or issue? Who in your life can you ask to sit with you through the hard parts and listen (hint, hint: therapists excel at this).
Get in the Flow: Flow states are when we are so focused on an activity that we lose ourselves in it. These states are subject to much research because they can be incredibly productive, creative, and enjoyable. You might hear artists, writers, developers, performers, etc. talk about getting into their flow. You can identify a potential for a flow state by thinking about tasks that you can’t start when you’re about to leave the house—activities where you lose track of time. Research suggests that flow states are particularly helpful in combating the stress of worry.
Set a timer: Anxiety can be difficult to manage during a period of uncertainty. While worrying can at times be helpful in allowing us to plan for future possibilities, we don’t want to get stuck perseverating. If you need to do some research or planning, set a specific chunk of time aside to do so and when the time is up, move on to new things.
Set Goals: When you are stuck in the waiting place, it can feel like your whole life is frozen in time with you. Setting future plans helps us to reconnect to the passage of time and gives us something to look forward to. The goals don’t have to be huge (but don’t hold back if you have a big idea). If you’ve always wanted to learn to play piano, start taking lessons. If there’s a movie coming out you want to see, plan a date. Don’t let not knowing one data point keep you from pursuing other areas of fulfillment.
Practice Patience: Patience is the name for the tools of emotional regulation that we use to cope with the negative feelings around waiting. While we talk about patience as a virtue you either possess or don’t, it’s actually a skill. It improves with practice! One way to exercise those muscles is by refocusing on the moment. Anxiety preoccupies our mind with a catastrophic future, and we can short circuit it by intentionally redirecting our thoughts to what we can do right now. If you find your thoughts straying too far into the past (what I should have done) or the future (what might happen), take a deep breath and shift your thoughts to what you are doing right now.
In Case of Emergency: Because our brains love to prepare us for future challenges, it can sometimes help to know what we will do if the news isn’t positive. Decide what you will want to do immediately after (be together or alone, talk about it or distract, stay home, or go out) and if possible, outline a few next steps you might take.
Give Grace: Be sure to acknowledge to yourself what a difficult psychological space this is and cut yourself some slack. It’s only natural if you are feeling overwhelmed, worried, tired, or not your normal self. Give yourself some permission to cut back on responsibilities and add in some self-care time.
Take some action: Do the thing you can do. This may be a particularly fraught waiting space for women as we approach the November 5th election. There are so many actions you can be a part of in your community related to this that may bring a renewed sense of purpose, hope, and comradery towards a future that you want. If you are feeling raw or need space to wait together, we are always here - you don't have to do this alone.
