The Open Secrets of Parenthood
Dear Friends,
Therapists are vaults of secrets. Part of our charm is our legal requirement to keep what you tell us in strictest confidentiality—it is literally built into the job description. Being entrusted with someone’s deepest truth is one of the greatest privileges of our work.
Please, rest assured that we are not about to spill the tea on anything a particular client has said, but there are certain unspoken truths about being a parent that we hear repeatedly. While the details of these secrets vary, they tend to all be variations of ways that parents feel they’ve fallen short of some perceived standard on an emotional, physical, or social level. People keep silent about these feelings because of shame.
Shame is what tells us that there is something wrong or broken about us. It takes moments of humanity and says these are character flaws and not complexities. When parenthood feels complicated, difficult, or hard, shame is there to say, “that’s because you are failing.” It tells us that when our experiences don’t match the glossy narratives we find on social media that we just aren’t good enough. It says that any time we are imperfect, it’s not a mistake but a confirmation of our unworthiness.
It’s understandable that people are afraid to share their flawed realities. No one wants to be judged as a bad parent. There’s an unconscious fear that speaking these things aloud will confirm what everyone already knows about us—that we are wrong or broken. But the reality is that these experiences are common, just not shared.
Here’s just a few of the things parents tell us in private but don’t post about online:
My second (third, fourth, etc.) kid is just as hard as the first.
This doesn’t come naturally to me.
I think my mother’s intuition is broken.
I didn’t fall in love with my baby the second I met them.
Sometimes I don’t like my kid.
I miss my pre-baby life.
I don’t love babies/toddlers/teens etc.
Playing with my kids is boring.
I can’t wait to go back to work after leave.
I’m embarrassed that I want to leave the career I’ve worked so hard for.
Sex is the furthest thing from my mind.
I sometimes yell at my kid(s).
I have no clue what I am doing.
My house is a mess.
I will never be the same after infertility/loss/trauma/etc.
This phase of life is hard.
I am jealous of my partner.
I worry having kids broke my relationship.
I don’t feel like myself in my body.
I hate being pregnant.
If shame is what keeps us alone with our biggest insecurities, then overcoming that shame is the path forward. Brené Brown, researcher on shame, vulnerability, courage, and empathy, says that “Shame can’t survive being spoken. […] Shame needs three things to survive: secrecy, silence, and judgment.” (You can watch her TED Talk on Shame here.
This is why therapy can be such a powerful tool because it provides a space where you can speak your truths out loud without fear of judgment. Often, our darkest thoughts aren’t the whole truth even when it feels like they are. Our deepest judgments are often reserved for ourselves, and postpartum disorders can distort our thoughts and experiences (but are 100% treatable!).
Hopefully, after practicing a little imperfection with us in private, it gives you the courage to do the same out your world. Because when we share with other parents the things we find hard or the ways we are imperfect, we unconsciously give them permission to share their authentic selves with us. To end with another bit of wisdom from Brené Brown, “The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too.”
Warmly,
Kellie Wicklund, LPC, PMH-C
CEO + Clinical Director
Christina Moran
Executive Director
