Paradoxes Of Parenthood
Dear friends,
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the paradoxes of parenthood—the myriad of ways that parents can hold two feelings feel quite contradictory. On the surface, it seems impossible to hold these opposites right next to each other, fiercely joined—like magnets drawn together by their polarity. Here’s a few examples my team came up with this week:
The Space Paradox: A parent’s desire to be physically apart from their children is reverse proportion to their proximity to their children. We can love our children so much that we want to be with them every minute, so we don’t miss a thing. At the same time, we dream of a little time away and a little space to ourselves—date nights, adults-only resorts, escaping to the bathroom on our own, or a solo trip to Target. Then the second we find ourselves enjoying some much-needed isolation—we’re wondering what our children are up to and how quickly we can get back to them.
The Touch Paradox: A parent’s desire to kiss that cherubic face they love so much is equaled only by their need for everyone to stop touching them. From pregnancy, where a tiny human is literally sapping your energy, oxygen, and food, to raising children—Parenthood can be overwhelmingly physical. Parenting small children is physical labor—lifting, carrying, snuggling, hugging, nursing, feeding, cooking, laundering, diapering, transporting, dressing, snack-serving. It is an endurance sport that unsurprisingly leaves some parents ready to hide in a sensory deprivation chamber to recharge. When presented with our sleeping child, there is that irrepressible urge to give them one more hug or kiss. As they grow more independent, we find ourselves not ready for them to push hugs away with embarrassment.
The Time Travel Paradox: The inexplicable desire to both slow down and speed up time. We would love to speed on through the sleepless nights and late-night feedings, and also pause time on the quiet snuggles while the rest of the world is asleep. Could we please fast-forward through potty training and toddler tantrums, and could we also press pause on sweet mispronunciations and baby smells. Can we skip through homework help and friendship drama, and also have more years of unfolding personalities and thinking parents know everything? We would like to rush through teen angst and broken hearts, and also have years more of late-night chats and being their safe space.
The Connection Paradox: The way that parenthood is simultaneously incredibly isolating and the ultimate common denominator. For a role that offers little in the way of personal space, parenthood can be surprisingly lonely. Friendships change, and our social lives can suddenly seem to center more on pediatrician visits and extracurriculars than genuine connection. Late nights can be spent with Netflix more often than out on the town. And yet, parenthood can open new doors to empathy and feeling connected. Isn’t it incredible to think how we are all products of an interlinking chain of parents going back through the centuries? There’s a universality to elements of parenthood that help us to lock eyes with the parent of a tantruming toddler and give them the head nod of solidarity. And only the other parents in the room will understand your salient cultural observations gleaned from PBS kids shows.
The Capacity Paradox: For parents after a loss, the way arms can be both so full and so empty. Parents who have lost a child can have moments of incandescent joy with hearts so full of their living children, and also still have a heart that longs for the one who is missing. They may have moments where they have their hands full with the life they have, and yet still long for the child missing from their arms and the extra chaos they would bring.
The Gratitude Paradox: The state of being both so thankful for our children and resentful of them in the exact some breath. Who hasn’t had a moment during the pandemic where they blissfully daydreamed about spending their quarantine taking up new hobbies in their clean home while baking fancy bread instead of managing virtual schooling from a house covered in child detritus? Or wished to sleep in on a Saturday morning only to be awoken by a toddler staring giving them the horror movie stare two inches from their face? Parenting be frustratingly thankless while also deeply rewarding.
The Protection Paradox: The puzzling knowledge that while we would gladly jump in front of a speeding train to save our child, we may sometimes fantasize about tying them to the tracks. Is there any person more capable of pushing our buttons than our own child? No. And yet, no one can ignite that protective impulse more quickly. Hell hath no fury like a parent whose child has been wronged.
The Identity Paradox: The way that parenthood can both provide a place in the universe and open questions of who we are. We can feel anchored completely in our role as parent by our love for our child and find ourselves feeling like we’ve lost sight of ourselves in a barrage of daily responsibilities. We can feel fulfilled by parenting and not defined by it.
The Need Paradox: The exhaustion matched only by pride that comes from being the only person your child trusts to do anything. Early childhood can feel like a bottomless pit of need—someone always needs a drink, a bottom wiped, a question answered, a ride, or homework help. It is easy to pine for their independence, and yet there is a joy in being the one that our children need and can count on.
The Double-edged Sword Paradox: The way that every parenting goal is paired with a parenting pitfall. We want to let our children make their own decisions and learn from mistakes, and we also want to protect them from harm. We want them to be confident and self-assured while not also being sassed by our own toddlers. We want them to learn to push boundaries and also live within the rules of our home. We want them to help with the cleaning, and also want to avoid using a bathroom they’ve “cleaned.”
Finally, lest you feel inclined to blame yourself for this confusing state of affairs, there is also The American Paradox -- it's critical to remember we live in a modern world uncomfortably holding the assertion that parenthood is the single most important thing a person can do and yet seemingly deserves little to no social or political support.
Parenthood is full of contradictions that falsely lead us to believe that one feeling is wrong or incorrect and must be removed. The reality is that we can hold both at the same time. There’s a common improv technique that suggests that when presented with an idea that doesn’t quite match, instead of dismissing it, we need to respond, “yes, and” to expand the landscape to embody both. In parenthood, we must also expand our reality to include both sides rather than contort ourselves trying to resolve the complexity. It isn’t possible to do so. It isn’t possible to love the messy, mundane, or menial aspects of parenthood all the time, and still we can find deep joy there. Yes, we are parents, and we are also human.
Warmly,
Kellie Wicklund, LPC, PMH-C
Owner + Director
